Why I Kept My (Fourth) Pregnancy Under Wraps For A While

Most moms I know would say having a baby is a blessing. In fact, some of my mommy friends when they found out they were expecting (whether it’s their first, second, third, fourth or even fifth) were so excited to share their great news and their photos of their seemingly baby bump on Facebook or Instagram. As a friend who’s sincerely happy for them, I couldn’t help but hit like and leave a comment of well-wishes on their photos or status messages to show support.

Until I found out I have a bun in the oven myself.

I was hoping I was just delusional when I looked down at the pregnancy test while the second pink line slowly but surely appeared. When I showed the test to a friend while walking home from a workshop I just attended that day, she did vouch for it.

I won’t deny how letdown I was at that time. I have had so many plans laid out not just for myself but for my family’s future, our future. My youngest is three years old and thought I could finally spend more “serious” QT with them, like take them out on a one-on-one date, get to know them better and try my best to fill their love tanks by being knowledgeable of their love language. I also thought of taking a few more clients to work with from the comforts of my home and eventually be able to help increase our cashflow and slowly pay off our debts and bills without struggle. I even volunteered as a wedding planner for my best friend who recently tied the knot. I thought maybe that was the best time for me to be more actively involved with groups I care so much about, learn more new things and so on and so forth.

But those plans just went down the drain. A few days later, I was forced to take a bed rest because of my supposed “morning sickness” which seemed more like an entire day to me. I’ve had my fair share of dysgeusia (a metallic taste in the mouth) for months, which was the culprit why most of the food I eat don’t sit well with me. I was restless, could not sleep through the night, and most often irritable. I’ve let go of my clients I was working with (all of them) and withdrew from pursuing calligraphy and watercolor painting for sometime. I was completely indifferent and confused most of the time. I finally decided to take a sidestep from my social media sites, particularly Facebook. I did it specially when I disclosed to a friend about my pregnancy and got a reply (which sounded more like an unsolicited advice), telling me that I should have been more careful, and that I should have thought of our financial situation first before getting myself knocked up. I got offended with what she said because I felt I knew that already; that she didn’t have to shove that fact in my face once more.

I’ve deliberately detached myself from my friends and a few of my loved ones for a while after that because truth is, if I can’t even accept the reality of me expecting another baby, how can I expect the people around me to do the same? I know I can’t be indifferent for the rest of my life, not only because it’s exhausting but also because this isn’t what I wanted my family to put up with. So, I spent a few more days asking the same question over and over again, “what is it that You wanted me to learn from this, Lord?”

Until one typical morning, I opened my devotional app on my phone and came across this verse from the book of Isaiah 55:8-9 (NLT). It says:

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.

“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so my ways are higher than your ways

and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

Wow! This verse made an impression on me. I mean, I’ve stumbled upon this verse every once in a while, but when I came across it again, it struck a chord in me on a different level. It brought all the uncertainties, my confusion and indifference to a close. My voluntary disconnection turned out to be a blessing in disguise to a certain extent that I’ve become more receptive to my morning devotionals and a bit more discerning whenever I make decisions. I became dependent on His word more than seeking counsel or confide with my friends. It’s not that I don’t trust my friends’ judgment anymore, I still do; it’s more of putting your faith to work, trusting Him fully and believing He never breaks His promises, especially the one that says, He “…causes EVERYTHING to work together for the good of those who love Him…” (Romans 8:28)

I am on my 32nd week as of this writing, and got back into Facebook since January this year. I began to touch base with my friends again and while I know some of them couldn’t help but make remarks that are a bit off for me, I try to be very patient and be more rational to them. I choose to trust God in spite of the odds and my feelings.

 

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